Crystal Ball

I'm beginning to wonder what direction I'm going in in regards to my life... I wish I could see the future and know the weight that my decisions truly bear...

As the Holiday season quickly approaches, I am starting to see how fast time flies by! I can honestly remember my freshman year of college like it was yesterday... I can even remember some aspects of high school that happened years ago but I can vividly remember the smells and feelings of my life at that time. I hate looking back on time because I feel as if I haven't done anything extremely productive with my life over the past few years. I've just been going through the motions... just here, not really living.

This feeling of emptiness is something that I don't really know how to deal with, and I feel that I'm trying to fill the void with things that will never make me feel complete and ultimately in the end make me feel worse.

I find myself second guessing my decisions and questioning my true purpose in life. I fear the future and shudder at my wasted past. It scares me to know that if I don't make some changes then I could potentially view my future as wasted as well.

I just want to be successful and happy. Is that really a lot to ask for?

Late Night Creepah

So, I probably shouldn't be up at 5 in the morning granted I work the desk tomorrow... Over here really thinking about this guy and typing out thoughts.

What is going on?! Like out of the blue you're being great, things are going good, *all smiles* :D ... I'm just so taken back at this change that I've been anticipating for so long--it makes me want to be with you all the time the way we used to, back when things were easy cuz I was niave. *shakes head* (what was wrong with me...so blind?)

...back to wanting to see your face as frequent as possible..yearning for conversation..always desiring contact with your skin to mine...

So can you blame me for wanting to really go see this nigga at 4 AM? I didn't even flinch as to think of myself as a late night creepah somekindahoe lookin head ass. I really was just thinking out of this surpressed frustration that only a man can release...

FYI .:. I didn't end up going over to this guys spot. (I think he fell asleep waiting for me... :( ) But who knows what couldawoulda happened if things had ended differently.

I guess we'll never know...

- NewLteNghtCRPAH, C.LO

Who Knows...

So, first off, I'm posting this through my iPhone! (Remember how I was searching for an app that allowed me to blog? FOUND ONE!) This being so, I feel like I'm going to have more posts that are shorter in length. I think that should be ok though. Maybe my posts will be a little more 'live' since I'm posting right as I'm thinking and hopefully have more presence in your lives. I hope my writings and ideas reach out to you and allow you to gain an altered perspective of the specific topic...

So on to the point...

Life has been extremely stressful lately. From dealing with schoolwork and family troubles to trying to acheive the goals I have set for myself to evaluating who I am and how my actions affect me in the future... Things are getting tough. Mentally and physically.

I dislike where I am at this point in my life and I have no clue how to fix things. I dislike Howard University almost to the point of utter disgust and I'm stuck here. I never thought a place could make me feel like this... One thing I've def learned from Howard is that Time and Money are the most cruel and unforgiving things in the world. They're so easily spent and hardly ever capable of getting back.

I feel like no one really understands my mental process or even cares to comprehend what i'm going through. I'm not one to express my feelings very much because I don't want anyone to think that I'm being dramatic or over the top. (so when I DO have a bad day and speak on it people are like "whoaaa..." -- case proven, yal are probably thinking that now after my Howard rant..) This leads me to putting up this front like everything is so great BUT ITS NOT.

Which leads to me think... Am I the only one who feels like this?

It's so bizarre how people can look at you and think they have you all figured out but they don't know anything at all. You never know how much a person has dealt with in their life but we as humans are so judgemental...we think we know everything but most times we know nothing! How did we get to this point?

Why is there such a blatant disregard for how other people feel these days? I know you can't ask every living being how they're doing when you see them, but honestly, with 24 hours in a day, how much time did you dedicate to stop worrying about yourself and pay attention to the feelings of another?