He's The Reason For The Season

Seasons Greetings Everyone! :)

With it being my favorite time of year, I've been extremely relaxed and attentive of things and those who are around me. Their actions, words, everything. And I have come to the realization that I am SO BLESSED.

No, seriously.

Everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for waking me up, starting a new day, giving me food to eat... etc. etc. But the things that I forget to thank the Lord for have really been sticking out to me...

I may not be rich, but "I got money in tha bank" -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may not be in a Range (...yet), but I have a cuteee car that works -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may not get to see my Dad, but he's alive, healthy, and I know he loves me. -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may have to deal with minor health problems more often than the average 20 year old, but I fought Cancer and couldn't be more proud of myself. -- THANK YOU JESUS!!!

And that's just to name a few...

As the hustle and bustle of not only the holidays, but life in general overwhelm our lives, make sure you sit back and take time to Thank The Lord for all of your many blessings. I know I would be lost without my family, my friends, and all of the things that mean so much to me... And I know that they could all be taken from me in an instant.

So with that said, THANK YOU Jesus for ALL the things that you have put in my life. I am one lucky girl...

I also want to say I Love You to all my family, friends, and relatives who make my life that much more great to live. I want yoy all to know that you truly bring so much joy and happiness into my life, and I appreciate every single one of you in such a special way :)

- Happy Holidays, C.LO :)

Crystal Ball

I'm beginning to wonder what direction I'm going in in regards to my life... I wish I could see the future and know the weight that my decisions truly bear...

As the Holiday season quickly approaches, I am starting to see how fast time flies by! I can honestly remember my freshman year of college like it was yesterday... I can even remember some aspects of high school that happened years ago but I can vividly remember the smells and feelings of my life at that time. I hate looking back on time because I feel as if I haven't done anything extremely productive with my life over the past few years. I've just been going through the motions... just here, not really living.

This feeling of emptiness is something that I don't really know how to deal with, and I feel that I'm trying to fill the void with things that will never make me feel complete and ultimately in the end make me feel worse.

I find myself second guessing my decisions and questioning my true purpose in life. I fear the future and shudder at my wasted past. It scares me to know that if I don't make some changes then I could potentially view my future as wasted as well.

I just want to be successful and happy. Is that really a lot to ask for?

Late Night Creepah

So, I probably shouldn't be up at 5 in the morning granted I work the desk tomorrow... Over here really thinking about this guy and typing out thoughts.

What is going on?! Like out of the blue you're being great, things are going good, *all smiles* :D ... I'm just so taken back at this change that I've been anticipating for so long--it makes me want to be with you all the time the way we used to, back when things were easy cuz I was niave. *shakes head* (what was wrong with me...so blind?)

...back to wanting to see your face as frequent as possible..yearning for conversation..always desiring contact with your skin to mine...

So can you blame me for wanting to really go see this nigga at 4 AM? I didn't even flinch as to think of myself as a late night creepah somekindahoe lookin head ass. I really was just thinking out of this surpressed frustration that only a man can release...

FYI .:. I didn't end up going over to this guys spot. (I think he fell asleep waiting for me... :( ) But who knows what couldawoulda happened if things had ended differently.

I guess we'll never know...

- NewLteNghtCRPAH, C.LO

Who Knows...

So, first off, I'm posting this through my iPhone! (Remember how I was searching for an app that allowed me to blog? FOUND ONE!) This being so, I feel like I'm going to have more posts that are shorter in length. I think that should be ok though. Maybe my posts will be a little more 'live' since I'm posting right as I'm thinking and hopefully have more presence in your lives. I hope my writings and ideas reach out to you and allow you to gain an altered perspective of the specific topic...

So on to the point...

Life has been extremely stressful lately. From dealing with schoolwork and family troubles to trying to acheive the goals I have set for myself to evaluating who I am and how my actions affect me in the future... Things are getting tough. Mentally and physically.

I dislike where I am at this point in my life and I have no clue how to fix things. I dislike Howard University almost to the point of utter disgust and I'm stuck here. I never thought a place could make me feel like this... One thing I've def learned from Howard is that Time and Money are the most cruel and unforgiving things in the world. They're so easily spent and hardly ever capable of getting back.

I feel like no one really understands my mental process or even cares to comprehend what i'm going through. I'm not one to express my feelings very much because I don't want anyone to think that I'm being dramatic or over the top. (so when I DO have a bad day and speak on it people are like "whoaaa..." -- case proven, yal are probably thinking that now after my Howard rant..) This leads me to putting up this front like everything is so great BUT ITS NOT.

Which leads to me think... Am I the only one who feels like this?

It's so bizarre how people can look at you and think they have you all figured out but they don't know anything at all. You never know how much a person has dealt with in their life but we as humans are so judgemental...we think we know everything but most times we know nothing! How did we get to this point?

Why is there such a blatant disregard for how other people feel these days? I know you can't ask every living being how they're doing when you see them, but honestly, with 24 hours in a day, how much time did you dedicate to stop worrying about yourself and pay attention to the feelings of another?

7. Reflection

Today being September 11th, I felt it was important to speak on my thoughts of this day.

It seemed like so long ago when the tragedy occurred in three different parts of the United States where the lives of so many innocent people were taken, but that does not mean that we can forget and fail to continue to learn from such a major occurrence.

When tragedies of this magnitude occur, there are many lessons to be learned. Not only those of safety and precaution, but those that influence our everyday lives and how we live each day. I find that many times human beings fail to realize that tomorrow is not promised, nor is the next hour, minute, or second. Everything that you cherish, appreciate, and deem worthy can be taken from you in a single moment, and there is nothing you can do to stop that from being a reality.

As I walk around campus, around the mall, anywhere.. I always see more acts of selfishness or anger than I see of acts of kindness and happiness. Why is it that the human race has become so ruthless and unconcerned for one another? It takes less energy to be polite and kind than it does to be rude and standoffish, so why do people go to great lengths to be so mean? Realistically, I know and understand you cannot always put others before yourself and you are not obliged to always be nice. However, I feel that if everyone treated at least one person a day kinder than what they do now that the world would be a lot different. I think it would be better. You never know when your one, simple act of kindness was just was someone needed to get through their day. A simple act of kindness could be a smile. It's that simple.

Also, people fail to let the people that they care about know how they really feel about them. Tell your family, friends, and relatives how you feel about them. If you love them, let them know. You could loose them tomorrow and never have the chance to let them know how you really felt. Last year, Mr. Grey, an advisor in the School of Business passed away unexpectedly...:

I remember Mr. Grey always being there for me, always helping me when I needed an extra push... and he always begged for me to come see him and just talk about life and I would always reply with "Next week Mr. Grey! Next week!" But of course, next week was always the next week, followed by the next. And after so long of being wrapped up in my own problems and life, which is understandable -- everyone has things to do -- I never made it to his office to let him know that he was the only person that I felt really cared about me in that office. (And Howardites know, if you go to school here, chances are you are just another sheet of paper when it comes to faculty caring about your well-being...)

Incidents like that, and I have had several, have shown me that you cannot put your feelings on the back-burner. I am so prone to putting things off but time is of the essence. We only have one life to live, so the time is now.

I urge everyone of you to reflect on your life and how people view you...

If you were gone tomorrow, would someone remember you for the good you did, or the bad?

If you were gone tomorrow, would your family know how much you appreciate them? Would you friends know much you really love them?

If you were gone tomorrow, would the acquaintance of yours know how much they impacted your life even though you all barely spoke?

If you were gone tomorrow...

--C.LO <3

6. WHY?!

*Shoutouts to my residents B.Carter and Erin .. as requested ;)

So... school is beginning to be in FULL EFFECT (I have tests next week...whattt?) and the weather is getting cold ALREADY (I am really not feeling it...Damn D.C.) but I am alive and healthy (I MUST avoid catching anything from ANYONE. Swine Flu is not cute) so I can't complain too much.

I must start blogging more -- forsure. A few people have told me they liked what they read and would love to see more, so I really want to gain a following on here. You never where this could take me.

As I peer out of my window upon the rainy day and wait for my DC Cuisine - another name for Chinese Carry-Out - I randomly started thinking...

Topic:: How Long Is Long Enough?

Ok... I'm going to just jump straight to the point...

WHY is it that a guy will meet a girl - a girl that's nice, caring, intelligent, whom they find attractive... everything they say they're looking for - and then play her life and never just put her on? I mean I understand guys, and girls, don't like being tied down into relationships... (I mean hey, even I'll admit it's awkwardly thrilling to work the game and have options) But forreal?

I mean maybe this is something I feel is extremely prevalent at Howard University, but I feel as if I see the same trends of people who had some form of relations early into coming to Howard University STILL just skimming by without any titles, definition, or clarification of what's going on between the two of them. So many times I have conversations with friends and the typical "So what's going on between you and @#!$%&" comes up followed by either the eye roll, shrug, or sigh that accompanies the ever-so bleak "Ggiirrlll, i don't know."

One question:: "WHY?"

I feel as if you can go years with having feelings for someone that something needs to be done about it. No pressure, of course, don't rush into things, but what's the point of liking someone and never saying anything? There's only so long of a period of time that you will both be in college and have opportunities to work on the course of the relationship the two of you could potentially have. And personally, if I like someone for that long it's clearly something. I'm the type to like you one day and wake up the next and totally see things in a different light.

Is it fear of giving up all the games and chase? I feel like after so long you should get tired of all of that and should realize that you have such a great guy, or girl, in front of you. If that person has shown you their dependability, been there for you at your worst, and you know that they honestly care for you, what else is there to look for? Why are you still searching when you have something so great and hard to find in front of you? It's difficult for me to come upon people that I really connect with past a physical attraction level and happen to find dependable and trustworthy, so if I were to be in the situation, I feel like I would really want to give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

I just feel like to much pressure is put on the title of Boyfriend // Girlfriend. Once again, Why?

"Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee

I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans.

I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze

And float away with you in the Caribbean Sea..."

-M.Carey

--Just a thought as always, C.LO :)

5. LiFE & TiME

So, is there an iPhone app for blogspot? Just wondering... That could def be useful.

Secondly -- I'M ON FIRE! I really don't know what it is, but lately I have been really getting alot of male attention. I haven't done anything interesting... I feel like I look the same (minus sporting new curly hair sometimes...which I'm really liking... do guys really like curly hair? topic?) But its odd how these 'options' are suddenly emerging. They really aren't 'options' I guess, time is such a tricky thing. But something is going on 'round here yal! ...finally, right?

On a really positive note -- I caught the attention of someone that pretty much seems to get me, for all my craziness, randomness... you know, carrieness :) I find it really bizarre how the Lord brings people into your life at such random times and you least expect things to happen that just somehow do. Never would I have guessed that this person would be to me what they are now. You can be around someone indirectly for so long, never crossing paths, and then all of a sudden you meet and it's like you've known them for forever... Like I said, time is such a tricky thing.

Time can be a real bitch though. So unforgiving, so quick to be gone, so easy to be used in the wrong way... so difficult, almost incapable of being understood.

I always seem to come across individuals that interest me, and not just on a relationship tip, when time seems to have almost expired. It leaves me to wonder what impact that person will have on my life in the future, and why I met them at that certain time. If someone could seem so amazing, so in synch with you in such a short period of time, why would the Lord make it to where you come to this realization so much later than when you think it could have happened? I guess we need to completely allow the Lord to take control of our lives, instead of always trying to predict what could..should..would have happened if this..that..or this would have happened... if only we would have done things differently or could go back in time.

It's fascinating to think about life and the choices that we make with our time. We always wish to go back and change how we spent our time, but time is like a bad retail return policy: once you buy it, you can never take it back.

Life and time -- two things that are based on so much detail, so many decisions, and all we can do is wait in order to understand their value, their true definition, and their true importance.

With all that said,

don't think I have a boo...because I dont -- C.LO ;)

4. Guess who's back?

So I'm back to conquer these mean streets of Washington D.C. while I'm here for school at good ol' Howard U. I promise promise promise those who even bother to read, as well as myself, that I'm going to "blog" more often. (Being here at Howard, I'm sure I will have tons of inspiration... *rolls eyes*)

I'm really thinking of branching away from the whole relationships theme I've been on for the first three posts... but we'll see. There has def been a bit of a 'stir' -if you could call it that- over here in my guy life, but you know, it never really ever gets past that simmer point. We'll see.

3. Wants

I have so many thoughts and always fail to write them down when they come to mind...

Not much is going on on this side of the computer screen... I'll be back at school sooner than I expected; I got the RA job on campus :) Quite an accomplishment granted so many students interviewed, however I'm having a hard time being excited... blame it on me not loving Howard University the way a college student should love their school? Hmph. Two more years only two more years... Enough of my ramblings, now to business at hand...

Topic of today:

'I Want Him (...or her) So Bad'

I'm sure a few of you tilted your heads in a bit of confusion as you read this, but first off the '...or her' is strictly for the males to relate (if they're even still reading at this point; I know my posts can be a bit female directed..anyway) and secondly, the reason. At a party a few weeks ago, as a friend of mine (girl of course) continued to gab in the corner of the party and people watch as we sipped from our red solo cups (so cliche...) she proceeds to motion for me to look at our friend (who I would never be sexually attracted to nor even begin to think he was attractive for that matter) and says 'Oh God... I want him, so bad.' Now, at the moment I kind of giggled at the statement, then realizing she was serious. I was unsure then of why she didn't just go for it, I mean I really think she had a chance given my standpoint on how they both act and how compatible they are. But go for what exactly? What does she 'want'? Him to be her boo, or him, as in, that night?

After my friend said that and I had laughed, almost immediately I began to realize that if the tables had of been turned, I very well could have said the very same thing, and meant so many different things. I'm really trying to make myself a stronger person when it comes to relationships, but it is a journeyyy I tell ya. I'm extremely timid and I believe this is what has gotten me to 'wanting him so bad.' One day, I want a boo, but sometimes, many times, I think I've just been without a little male attention for a while and now I'm really needing to, quench my thirst, I should say. Ha. Admitting is the 1st step, eh?

It's frustrating because these 'wants' can be so different, so easily can be judged or taken the wrong way, but any way you put it it always seems to be fueled by this inner sensual side that normally someone like me wouldn't dare think to let out but in the moment you really don't care. It's always the guy that got away that you talk to every once in a while that says all the right things and you think of all the moments you all had together where you could have done whatever you pleased with him--from being the boo to merely just getting close to him, (but didn't in my case) and then you realize you 'want him so bad' but it's too late... or is it? The guy that you are such good friends with, the one you see and your face lights up, the one that you look across the room at him at a party and the only thing you can think about is how amazing he looks and you 'want him so bad' (and have secretly for years) but don't know if he feels the same even though it feels like he does (and has definitely, undeniably, just about openly let you know there's something there). Should you ask? (Not at that moment in the middle of a party of course... ha) Or no, don't ever bring it up... fearing that he'll think you're crazy and obsessive? Or what about the guy that you suddenly realize is there and always has been but you never really paid much attention too but all of a sudden you 'want him soo bad'?

People always say just let things flow,

but sometimes, the flow doesn't go and then you never know.

So, I guess the question is, do you go with your feeling, this 'wanting him (...or her)' and make a move BECAUSE IT FREAKING FEELS RIGHT (when it seems like nothing ever does)...? Or do you just wing it. Go with the flow. Keep waiting? And then risk letting another moment, something else, someone else, slip away?

Maybe I think too much?

My thoughts are ram-sacked. Who knows. Whatever you do, stay safe. That's real.

As always, C.LO :)

2. It's Been A While...

So, thought I had forgotten about my blog eh? Nah. Just needed a bit to collect my thoughts, think about what I was going to say next.

The topic... ergh, question, of this post will be brief, because I have another topic that I will post this week :)

QUESTION:

Everytime I meet a guy,

I feel as if I need to put my guard

up in fear that I will get my

feelings hurt.

Who's fault is that?

Mine, or theirs?

Part of me thinks it's MY FAULT, because I continue to go into these same situations in the same way, somehow creating the same outcome for myself. Forcing myself into the same horrible situation... however, another part of me thinks that its THEIR FAULT because every experience that I can remember has resulted in getting my feelings hurts. And not like sappy heartbroken crying kinda hurt, but the disappointing wishing things you let me down kinda feelings hurt. So once again, is that MY FAULT for thinking too much of guys? Or am I setting myself down a pathway to nowhere once again because I would be going into every situation thinking that guys will be nothing more than a disappointment because they never meet my expectations? And I really don't think my expectations are too high...I'm a pretty reasonable person...understanding, caring, compassionate, honest...

This topic confuses me...and I know that I won't figure this out in entirety, given that everyone is different...just thought the topic would spark some ideas mentally within!

Feedback til next time?

Peace & Blessings -- C.LO :)

1. Welcome to Bella Essence

Bel⋅la [bel-uh] Es⋅sence [es-uhns] : 

Beautiful Significance

I would suppose I should begin with a quick hello and intro (that seems appropriate, right?). My name is Carrie Elizabeth and I am a Junior, Marketing Major attending Howard University in Washington, DC.  I am twenty years old and I have alot of thoughts and ideas to share with the world, hence, why I made a blog.  I have many sides to me...be it a bit "jazzy" one moment or pensive the next.  Check me out. I think I'm kinda cool...ok, well, only sometimes.

Alright, now that that is out of the way... 

First topic: "I Don't Have Time For Games"

I guess I'll shoot for what I'm feeling at the moment. I am so perplexed by the lack of honesty that I have been receiving from members of the opposite sex.  At first, I figured it was "just me" or I was "paranoid"... but seriously?  If I attempt to talk to one more person and they lie to me within the first few days of discussion I may just give up hope. I have come to finding myself doubting everything any male says to me.  Be it where something is in the grocery store or where my "potential boo" (...ah, the "P.B." -- another topic) is really going and who he is really with.  I always feel like I have to look over my shoulder, find out for my self, be quick, and most importantly guarded. I believe that the divorce between my parents contributed to this greatly... considering my Mother is low-key a man hater thanks to my Father (who even still I love and adore) and the many men who have also inspired this topic... but I do not want to hate men. I want to find someone that I can trust.

I may be the only one who feels this way, but I appreciate honesty. Yes, you may make mistakes, but I'm not going to hate you once make them (well, everyones situation is different; never say never) ...I would just rather you TELL ME THE TRUTH than to lie to my face and I find out later. Lies hurt more than honesty.  When did it become alright to lie to people consistently? Really, who are you trying to help by lying? Seriously, if you want to cancel an outing we planned, cancel it... don't tell me that 'you're going to be late so I'll call you later' and NEVER DO. Don't tell me that you're 'just really busy' but in reality you're reading my texts with no intent on replying.  If you're my "P.B.", why are you lying and telling me that 'you're going out with the boys' but 10 minutes later I find out you and lil miss no name are going out for icecream?  Did we even establish rules of a relationship for you to be lying to get around? I don't understand that...but anyways...

I could go on forever with examples that not only myself, but friends as well have had to put up with. [Not everything above has happened to me... sorry for the disclaimer, you never know a P.B. could read this and think I was talking about him...but I'm not!]  

Simply, if "you don't want to talk to me like that", figure out a way to tell me respectfully (a factor that has become extremely bleak realistically). Yea, I may be a little upset, but I am a big girl, I will survive.  Tell me the truth so that I won't be wasting my time when I could be finding someone who will treat me how I deserve.

And before the males jump down my neck on things...don't get me wrong, females lie too... we are not by any means innocent, but that's once again, another topic.

So I guess what I'm getting at is....if males are thought to be liars, and ok, so are women, aren't we unknowingly allowing ourselves to form relationships that are prematurely based on lies and dishonesty...?

i would rather be single than have a relationship where i have been lied to for months just to keep me "happy."

...just a thought.