3. Wants

I have so many thoughts and always fail to write them down when they come to mind...

Not much is going on on this side of the computer screen... I'll be back at school sooner than I expected; I got the RA job on campus :) Quite an accomplishment granted so many students interviewed, however I'm having a hard time being excited... blame it on me not loving Howard University the way a college student should love their school? Hmph. Two more years only two more years... Enough of my ramblings, now to business at hand...

Topic of today:

'I Want Him (...or her) So Bad'

I'm sure a few of you tilted your heads in a bit of confusion as you read this, but first off the '...or her' is strictly for the males to relate (if they're even still reading at this point; I know my posts can be a bit female directed..anyway) and secondly, the reason. At a party a few weeks ago, as a friend of mine (girl of course) continued to gab in the corner of the party and people watch as we sipped from our red solo cups (so cliche...) she proceeds to motion for me to look at our friend (who I would never be sexually attracted to nor even begin to think he was attractive for that matter) and says 'Oh God... I want him, so bad.' Now, at the moment I kind of giggled at the statement, then realizing she was serious. I was unsure then of why she didn't just go for it, I mean I really think she had a chance given my standpoint on how they both act and how compatible they are. But go for what exactly? What does she 'want'? Him to be her boo, or him, as in, that night?

After my friend said that and I had laughed, almost immediately I began to realize that if the tables had of been turned, I very well could have said the very same thing, and meant so many different things. I'm really trying to make myself a stronger person when it comes to relationships, but it is a journeyyy I tell ya. I'm extremely timid and I believe this is what has gotten me to 'wanting him so bad.' One day, I want a boo, but sometimes, many times, I think I've just been without a little male attention for a while and now I'm really needing to, quench my thirst, I should say. Ha. Admitting is the 1st step, eh?

It's frustrating because these 'wants' can be so different, so easily can be judged or taken the wrong way, but any way you put it it always seems to be fueled by this inner sensual side that normally someone like me wouldn't dare think to let out but in the moment you really don't care. It's always the guy that got away that you talk to every once in a while that says all the right things and you think of all the moments you all had together where you could have done whatever you pleased with him--from being the boo to merely just getting close to him, (but didn't in my case) and then you realize you 'want him so bad' but it's too late... or is it? The guy that you are such good friends with, the one you see and your face lights up, the one that you look across the room at him at a party and the only thing you can think about is how amazing he looks and you 'want him so bad' (and have secretly for years) but don't know if he feels the same even though it feels like he does (and has definitely, undeniably, just about openly let you know there's something there). Should you ask? (Not at that moment in the middle of a party of course... ha) Or no, don't ever bring it up... fearing that he'll think you're crazy and obsessive? Or what about the guy that you suddenly realize is there and always has been but you never really paid much attention too but all of a sudden you 'want him soo bad'?

People always say just let things flow,

but sometimes, the flow doesn't go and then you never know.

So, I guess the question is, do you go with your feeling, this 'wanting him (...or her)' and make a move BECAUSE IT FREAKING FEELS RIGHT (when it seems like nothing ever does)...? Or do you just wing it. Go with the flow. Keep waiting? And then risk letting another moment, something else, someone else, slip away?

Maybe I think too much?

My thoughts are ram-sacked. Who knows. Whatever you do, stay safe. That's real.

As always, C.LO :)

2. It's Been A While...

So, thought I had forgotten about my blog eh? Nah. Just needed a bit to collect my thoughts, think about what I was going to say next.

The topic... ergh, question, of this post will be brief, because I have another topic that I will post this week :)

QUESTION:

Everytime I meet a guy,

I feel as if I need to put my guard

up in fear that I will get my

feelings hurt.

Who's fault is that?

Mine, or theirs?

Part of me thinks it's MY FAULT, because I continue to go into these same situations in the same way, somehow creating the same outcome for myself. Forcing myself into the same horrible situation... however, another part of me thinks that its THEIR FAULT because every experience that I can remember has resulted in getting my feelings hurts. And not like sappy heartbroken crying kinda hurt, but the disappointing wishing things you let me down kinda feelings hurt. So once again, is that MY FAULT for thinking too much of guys? Or am I setting myself down a pathway to nowhere once again because I would be going into every situation thinking that guys will be nothing more than a disappointment because they never meet my expectations? And I really don't think my expectations are too high...I'm a pretty reasonable person...understanding, caring, compassionate, honest...

This topic confuses me...and I know that I won't figure this out in entirety, given that everyone is different...just thought the topic would spark some ideas mentally within!

Feedback til next time?

Peace & Blessings -- C.LO :)

1. Welcome to Bella Essence

Bel⋅la [bel-uh] Es⋅sence [es-uhns] : 

Beautiful Significance

I would suppose I should begin with a quick hello and intro (that seems appropriate, right?). My name is Carrie Elizabeth and I am a Junior, Marketing Major attending Howard University in Washington, DC.  I am twenty years old and I have alot of thoughts and ideas to share with the world, hence, why I made a blog.  I have many sides to me...be it a bit "jazzy" one moment or pensive the next.  Check me out. I think I'm kinda cool...ok, well, only sometimes.

Alright, now that that is out of the way... 

First topic: "I Don't Have Time For Games"

I guess I'll shoot for what I'm feeling at the moment. I am so perplexed by the lack of honesty that I have been receiving from members of the opposite sex.  At first, I figured it was "just me" or I was "paranoid"... but seriously?  If I attempt to talk to one more person and they lie to me within the first few days of discussion I may just give up hope. I have come to finding myself doubting everything any male says to me.  Be it where something is in the grocery store or where my "potential boo" (...ah, the "P.B." -- another topic) is really going and who he is really with.  I always feel like I have to look over my shoulder, find out for my self, be quick, and most importantly guarded. I believe that the divorce between my parents contributed to this greatly... considering my Mother is low-key a man hater thanks to my Father (who even still I love and adore) and the many men who have also inspired this topic... but I do not want to hate men. I want to find someone that I can trust.

I may be the only one who feels this way, but I appreciate honesty. Yes, you may make mistakes, but I'm not going to hate you once make them (well, everyones situation is different; never say never) ...I would just rather you TELL ME THE TRUTH than to lie to my face and I find out later. Lies hurt more than honesty.  When did it become alright to lie to people consistently? Really, who are you trying to help by lying? Seriously, if you want to cancel an outing we planned, cancel it... don't tell me that 'you're going to be late so I'll call you later' and NEVER DO. Don't tell me that you're 'just really busy' but in reality you're reading my texts with no intent on replying.  If you're my "P.B.", why are you lying and telling me that 'you're going out with the boys' but 10 minutes later I find out you and lil miss no name are going out for icecream?  Did we even establish rules of a relationship for you to be lying to get around? I don't understand that...but anyways...

I could go on forever with examples that not only myself, but friends as well have had to put up with. [Not everything above has happened to me... sorry for the disclaimer, you never know a P.B. could read this and think I was talking about him...but I'm not!]  

Simply, if "you don't want to talk to me like that", figure out a way to tell me respectfully (a factor that has become extremely bleak realistically). Yea, I may be a little upset, but I am a big girl, I will survive.  Tell me the truth so that I won't be wasting my time when I could be finding someone who will treat me how I deserve.

And before the males jump down my neck on things...don't get me wrong, females lie too... we are not by any means innocent, but that's once again, another topic.

So I guess what I'm getting at is....if males are thought to be liars, and ok, so are women, aren't we unknowingly allowing ourselves to form relationships that are prematurely based on lies and dishonesty...?

i would rather be single than have a relationship where i have been lied to for months just to keep me "happy."

...just a thought.