One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

So as I'm rummaging through the mess of my poor little ramshacked blog, putting the pieces and ideas together for Bella Essence's Jan 2011 relaunch, I felt as though I needed to write, so here I am. I hope you enjoy the changes so far with more to come in the near future!

Last night, ladies and gentlemen, I discovered a rat was in my kitchen. Yes, I said it. A rat.

Exhibit A, also, my new suite mate.

Now sadly, many of you all are going to read this, and think, "It's just a rat... Rats are always in the Towers." But this is where I'm confused. WHY on earth do others rationally and openly accept the fact that a living facility has a defiant rodent issue? THIS IS NOT OK! We are better than this and we deserve better than this! And if you've forgotten, we also PAY for this! So, in essence, if you deem this reaction of mine as dramatic or unnecessary, you're willingly stating that you would pay for a place to stay that occupies not only you, but rodents as well. This, to me, sounds like an immediate problem that has persisted for far too long.

I understand that things like this happen, but to due to the high frequency of rodent oriented occurrences alone, I have no choice but to blame the Howard Plaza Towers for this. Failure to secure a clean, healthy, safe living space for students is a breach of their duty to us, and we should not continue day by day, week by week, month by month, semester by semester, year by year to tolerate this mistreatment. It is not clean, safe, and/or healthy to enter your kitchen only to discover a rat is running across your countertop, stove, and cooking areas where the food that you consume is prepared. That, to me, is an extreme health risk alone, and it baffles me that there is not more concern regarding this problem.

This is a battle that needs to be fought in order to make a mark on the administration not only of the Howard Plaza Towers, but the university as a whole. As a Senior here at Howard University, over the past three, going on four years I have witnessed many examples of the internal flaws of the school which are unexplainable, unprofessional, and unbecoming of the representation that Howard University strives to exude. I don't understand why there are so many strong voices on Howard University's campus alone, and proper treatment in not only our living quarters, but administratively as well, is something that Howard fails to deliver us. I saddens me that my colleagues have allowed this university to make them think that it is acceptable to live under these conditions, and I am ashamed that no matter what I say or do, my concerns and desires for better treatment, proper respect, and adequate service will merely be brushed aside as if they don't matter.

I ask you this question...

Think about those who came before us who were monumental vessels of change that made history that effects us still to this day. Although my rodent issue is miniscule in comparison, think of those such as Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and Malcolm X. What would life be like if they silenced their voice and did not stand up for their rights and what they believed in? In my opinion, this is no different. Yes, a rat being in kitchen is not the end of the world, but it's more than that. It's the issue of self respect and the acknowledgment that I'm worth more and deserve better than to pay to attend and live at a university that does not provide me with professional and respectful service, as well as a safe, clean, and secure place to, at the end of the day, call my home.

I ask you all to reflect, as well as act on these principles knowing that your rights are important, and standing for what you believe in is a voice that should always be heard.

A silence voice is a producer of no words.

Change does not come silently, and

without change, everything will stay the same.

"....please excuse the mess!"

...you never know what I'm gonna say next!

I'm working on making Bella Essence the best it can be for a HUGE relaunch Jan 2011! Not only will Bella Essence continue to explore the 'Beautiful Significance' of the little things in life that I feel are oftentimes overlooked, but I will also be incorporating my passion for Fashion, Creative Design, Music, and more!

I have a lot to look forward the near future and I can't wait to share my stories, experiences, and outlooks with you all!

In the meantime, feel free to read my previous posts, or leave a comment of what you'd like to see or see more of! Thanks for the support.

As always,

C.LO

.Breakdown.

I need to make it a habit to blog more frequently... This is something I really enjoy so I need to make time for it! Hope you missed reading :)

Yours truly! (With absolutely no makeup on at that! #BOW haters!)

___________________________

It's been a while since I've made a post and I've got to say a lot has happened! Being here at Howard at this point in my life is truly teaching me a lot about myself and a lot about other people and how they act. I'm glad I can look at others and take from what they do and say and then in turn reflecting on myself personally and improving where I see flaws.

I have realized I am a very compassionate, giving person, and people take advantage of me for it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad, I choose to be so giving; I can't even be mad. What does it do for me to be mad when I have put myself out there and made myself vulnerable to peoples behavior such as this? I have no control over how people act and no matter what I do or say can change that. Bottom line -- PEOPLE ARE GONNA DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO WHEN THEY WANNA DO IT. Point blank period. No negotiations. All I can do it control myself and be the best person I can be.

So what can I do in such situations that I find myself in ALL THE TIME? Remove myself. That is all. Don't allow yourself to be mistreated by anyone regarding any matter. KNOW YOUR SELF WORTH and VALUE and APPRECIATE IT. At the end of the day, no one is going to hold it down for you BUT YOU. It's never about allowing yourself to be disrespected. I, personally, am the type to just stop talking in the middle of an argument because two parties yelling back and forth isn't going to resolve anything. If I've said all I can say and tried my best to correct the matter, then what's the use? It's not that I lack consideration for the person, its not that I don't value the relationship, it's not that I'm weak and get pushed down by the other persons words . . it's life is too short for me to invest time, energy, and emotion in a relationship that isn't going to be a positive factor in my life.

What's the point of having a relationship that you constantly have to worry about the person not giving their 50 percent? There is no relationship worth giving 90 and receiving 10. As much as you care about the person you must realize and understand that after they have proven what kind of person that they are, they are not going to change. As many times as they tell you differently, as many times as you blatantly tell them how they're making you feel . . most oftentimes it's no use.

Finally, I have been able to accept the fact that I've been battling a toxic relationship for a while now, and I am taking the steps to getting past it. Don't get me wrong, its a process to detox yourself after being "sucked dry" of everything you have to give (in one of my cases, for an extended period of time -- The earlier the discovery the easier it is it move on). But as hard as it is, at the end of the day, it feels so great to know that I stood up for myself and didn't allow someone to be so ruthless and break me down until I have nothing left to give to the next person who just may turn out to be just as compassionate as me....

He's The Reason For The Season

Seasons Greetings Everyone! :)

With it being my favorite time of year, I've been extremely relaxed and attentive of things and those who are around me. Their actions, words, everything. And I have come to the realization that I am SO BLESSED.

No, seriously.

Everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for waking me up, starting a new day, giving me food to eat... etc. etc. But the things that I forget to thank the Lord for have really been sticking out to me...

I may not be rich, but "I got money in tha bank" -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may not be in a Range (...yet), but I have a cuteee car that works -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may not get to see my Dad, but he's alive, healthy, and I know he loves me. -- THANK YOU JESUS.

I may have to deal with minor health problems more often than the average 20 year old, but I fought Cancer and couldn't be more proud of myself. -- THANK YOU JESUS!!!

And that's just to name a few...

As the hustle and bustle of not only the holidays, but life in general overwhelm our lives, make sure you sit back and take time to Thank The Lord for all of your many blessings. I know I would be lost without my family, my friends, and all of the things that mean so much to me... And I know that they could all be taken from me in an instant.

So with that said, THANK YOU Jesus for ALL the things that you have put in my life. I am one lucky girl...

I also want to say I Love You to all my family, friends, and relatives who make my life that much more great to live. I want yoy all to know that you truly bring so much joy and happiness into my life, and I appreciate every single one of you in such a special way :)

- Happy Holidays, C.LO :)

Crystal Ball

I'm beginning to wonder what direction I'm going in in regards to my life... I wish I could see the future and know the weight that my decisions truly bear...

As the Holiday season quickly approaches, I am starting to see how fast time flies by! I can honestly remember my freshman year of college like it was yesterday... I can even remember some aspects of high school that happened years ago but I can vividly remember the smells and feelings of my life at that time. I hate looking back on time because I feel as if I haven't done anything extremely productive with my life over the past few years. I've just been going through the motions... just here, not really living.

This feeling of emptiness is something that I don't really know how to deal with, and I feel that I'm trying to fill the void with things that will never make me feel complete and ultimately in the end make me feel worse.

I find myself second guessing my decisions and questioning my true purpose in life. I fear the future and shudder at my wasted past. It scares me to know that if I don't make some changes then I could potentially view my future as wasted as well.

I just want to be successful and happy. Is that really a lot to ask for?

Late Night Creepah

So, I probably shouldn't be up at 5 in the morning granted I work the desk tomorrow... Over here really thinking about this guy and typing out thoughts.

What is going on?! Like out of the blue you're being great, things are going good, *all smiles* :D ... I'm just so taken back at this change that I've been anticipating for so long--it makes me want to be with you all the time the way we used to, back when things were easy cuz I was niave. *shakes head* (what was wrong with me...so blind?)

...back to wanting to see your face as frequent as possible..yearning for conversation..always desiring contact with your skin to mine...

So can you blame me for wanting to really go see this nigga at 4 AM? I didn't even flinch as to think of myself as a late night creepah somekindahoe lookin head ass. I really was just thinking out of this surpressed frustration that only a man can release...

FYI .:. I didn't end up going over to this guys spot. (I think he fell asleep waiting for me... :( ) But who knows what couldawoulda happened if things had ended differently.

I guess we'll never know...

- NewLteNghtCRPAH, C.LO

Who Knows...

So, first off, I'm posting this through my iPhone! (Remember how I was searching for an app that allowed me to blog? FOUND ONE!) This being so, I feel like I'm going to have more posts that are shorter in length. I think that should be ok though. Maybe my posts will be a little more 'live' since I'm posting right as I'm thinking and hopefully have more presence in your lives. I hope my writings and ideas reach out to you and allow you to gain an altered perspective of the specific topic...

So on to the point...

Life has been extremely stressful lately. From dealing with schoolwork and family troubles to trying to acheive the goals I have set for myself to evaluating who I am and how my actions affect me in the future... Things are getting tough. Mentally and physically.

I dislike where I am at this point in my life and I have no clue how to fix things. I dislike Howard University almost to the point of utter disgust and I'm stuck here. I never thought a place could make me feel like this... One thing I've def learned from Howard is that Time and Money are the most cruel and unforgiving things in the world. They're so easily spent and hardly ever capable of getting back.

I feel like no one really understands my mental process or even cares to comprehend what i'm going through. I'm not one to express my feelings very much because I don't want anyone to think that I'm being dramatic or over the top. (so when I DO have a bad day and speak on it people are like "whoaaa..." -- case proven, yal are probably thinking that now after my Howard rant..) This leads me to putting up this front like everything is so great BUT ITS NOT.

Which leads to me think... Am I the only one who feels like this?

It's so bizarre how people can look at you and think they have you all figured out but they don't know anything at all. You never know how much a person has dealt with in their life but we as humans are so judgemental...we think we know everything but most times we know nothing! How did we get to this point?

Why is there such a blatant disregard for how other people feel these days? I know you can't ask every living being how they're doing when you see them, but honestly, with 24 hours in a day, how much time did you dedicate to stop worrying about yourself and pay attention to the feelings of another?

7. Reflection

Today being September 11th, I felt it was important to speak on my thoughts of this day.

It seemed like so long ago when the tragedy occurred in three different parts of the United States where the lives of so many innocent people were taken, but that does not mean that we can forget and fail to continue to learn from such a major occurrence.

When tragedies of this magnitude occur, there are many lessons to be learned. Not only those of safety and precaution, but those that influence our everyday lives and how we live each day. I find that many times human beings fail to realize that tomorrow is not promised, nor is the next hour, minute, or second. Everything that you cherish, appreciate, and deem worthy can be taken from you in a single moment, and there is nothing you can do to stop that from being a reality.

As I walk around campus, around the mall, anywhere.. I always see more acts of selfishness or anger than I see of acts of kindness and happiness. Why is it that the human race has become so ruthless and unconcerned for one another? It takes less energy to be polite and kind than it does to be rude and standoffish, so why do people go to great lengths to be so mean? Realistically, I know and understand you cannot always put others before yourself and you are not obliged to always be nice. However, I feel that if everyone treated at least one person a day kinder than what they do now that the world would be a lot different. I think it would be better. You never know when your one, simple act of kindness was just was someone needed to get through their day. A simple act of kindness could be a smile. It's that simple.

Also, people fail to let the people that they care about know how they really feel about them. Tell your family, friends, and relatives how you feel about them. If you love them, let them know. You could loose them tomorrow and never have the chance to let them know how you really felt. Last year, Mr. Grey, an advisor in the School of Business passed away unexpectedly...:

I remember Mr. Grey always being there for me, always helping me when I needed an extra push... and he always begged for me to come see him and just talk about life and I would always reply with "Next week Mr. Grey! Next week!" But of course, next week was always the next week, followed by the next. And after so long of being wrapped up in my own problems and life, which is understandable -- everyone has things to do -- I never made it to his office to let him know that he was the only person that I felt really cared about me in that office. (And Howardites know, if you go to school here, chances are you are just another sheet of paper when it comes to faculty caring about your well-being...)

Incidents like that, and I have had several, have shown me that you cannot put your feelings on the back-burner. I am so prone to putting things off but time is of the essence. We only have one life to live, so the time is now.

I urge everyone of you to reflect on your life and how people view you...

If you were gone tomorrow, would someone remember you for the good you did, or the bad?

If you were gone tomorrow, would your family know how much you appreciate them? Would you friends know much you really love them?

If you were gone tomorrow, would the acquaintance of yours know how much they impacted your life even though you all barely spoke?

If you were gone tomorrow...

--C.LO <3

6. WHY?!

*Shoutouts to my residents B.Carter and Erin .. as requested ;)

So... school is beginning to be in FULL EFFECT (I have tests next week...whattt?) and the weather is getting cold ALREADY (I am really not feeling it...Damn D.C.) but I am alive and healthy (I MUST avoid catching anything from ANYONE. Swine Flu is not cute) so I can't complain too much.

I must start blogging more -- forsure. A few people have told me they liked what they read and would love to see more, so I really want to gain a following on here. You never where this could take me.

As I peer out of my window upon the rainy day and wait for my DC Cuisine - another name for Chinese Carry-Out - I randomly started thinking...

Topic:: How Long Is Long Enough?

Ok... I'm going to just jump straight to the point...

WHY is it that a guy will meet a girl - a girl that's nice, caring, intelligent, whom they find attractive... everything they say they're looking for - and then play her life and never just put her on? I mean I understand guys, and girls, don't like being tied down into relationships... (I mean hey, even I'll admit it's awkwardly thrilling to work the game and have options) But forreal?

I mean maybe this is something I feel is extremely prevalent at Howard University, but I feel as if I see the same trends of people who had some form of relations early into coming to Howard University STILL just skimming by without any titles, definition, or clarification of what's going on between the two of them. So many times I have conversations with friends and the typical "So what's going on between you and @#!$%&" comes up followed by either the eye roll, shrug, or sigh that accompanies the ever-so bleak "Ggiirrlll, i don't know."

One question:: "WHY?"

I feel as if you can go years with having feelings for someone that something needs to be done about it. No pressure, of course, don't rush into things, but what's the point of liking someone and never saying anything? There's only so long of a period of time that you will both be in college and have opportunities to work on the course of the relationship the two of you could potentially have. And personally, if I like someone for that long it's clearly something. I'm the type to like you one day and wake up the next and totally see things in a different light.

Is it fear of giving up all the games and chase? I feel like after so long you should get tired of all of that and should realize that you have such a great guy, or girl, in front of you. If that person has shown you their dependability, been there for you at your worst, and you know that they honestly care for you, what else is there to look for? Why are you still searching when you have something so great and hard to find in front of you? It's difficult for me to come upon people that I really connect with past a physical attraction level and happen to find dependable and trustworthy, so if I were to be in the situation, I feel like I would really want to give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

I just feel like to much pressure is put on the title of Boyfriend // Girlfriend. Once again, Why?

"Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee

I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans.

I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze

And float away with you in the Caribbean Sea..."

-M.Carey

--Just a thought as always, C.LO :)

5. LiFE & TiME

So, is there an iPhone app for blogspot? Just wondering... That could def be useful.

Secondly -- I'M ON FIRE! I really don't know what it is, but lately I have been really getting alot of male attention. I haven't done anything interesting... I feel like I look the same (minus sporting new curly hair sometimes...which I'm really liking... do guys really like curly hair? topic?) But its odd how these 'options' are suddenly emerging. They really aren't 'options' I guess, time is such a tricky thing. But something is going on 'round here yal! ...finally, right?

On a really positive note -- I caught the attention of someone that pretty much seems to get me, for all my craziness, randomness... you know, carrieness :) I find it really bizarre how the Lord brings people into your life at such random times and you least expect things to happen that just somehow do. Never would I have guessed that this person would be to me what they are now. You can be around someone indirectly for so long, never crossing paths, and then all of a sudden you meet and it's like you've known them for forever... Like I said, time is such a tricky thing.

Time can be a real bitch though. So unforgiving, so quick to be gone, so easy to be used in the wrong way... so difficult, almost incapable of being understood.

I always seem to come across individuals that interest me, and not just on a relationship tip, when time seems to have almost expired. It leaves me to wonder what impact that person will have on my life in the future, and why I met them at that certain time. If someone could seem so amazing, so in synch with you in such a short period of time, why would the Lord make it to where you come to this realization so much later than when you think it could have happened? I guess we need to completely allow the Lord to take control of our lives, instead of always trying to predict what could..should..would have happened if this..that..or this would have happened... if only we would have done things differently or could go back in time.

It's fascinating to think about life and the choices that we make with our time. We always wish to go back and change how we spent our time, but time is like a bad retail return policy: once you buy it, you can never take it back.

Life and time -- two things that are based on so much detail, so many decisions, and all we can do is wait in order to understand their value, their true definition, and their true importance.

With all that said,

don't think I have a boo...because I dont -- C.LO ;)